Dear Max: The First Snow

Dear Max,

     Yesterday was the first snow of the season, and I missed getting to see your eyes full of wonder as you experienced it.  It wasn't the first time you've seen snow in your life, but it was the first time that you were old enough for it to really matter. 

     As I drove you to your Dad's house, I saw the clouds looming overhead.  Your Pop had texted Nana and said there was snow out near where he was in the oilfield.  All the signs pointed to it heading this way, and yet, I was still willing for it to hold off.

     It wasn't long after I dropped you off that Nana texted me while I was busy working at the school, to tell me it was snowing.  I walked out into the hallway, and as soon as I saw it, my eyes filled with tears.  Not because I don't like snow.  But because I wasn't getting to experience it with you. 

     Fear mounted as I began to wonder about you.  Were you warm enough?  Were you out in the snow instead of bundled up inside?  Did you even notice the snow? 

     Soon your dad texted me pictures of you looking out the window of the truck, and there were those eyes of wonder.  It was both exciting and heart breaking to see.



     Although Nana reminded me that at Christmas this year, I would be able to witness you with plenty of snow, as we will be spending it in Ruidoso, it couldn't keep me from wondering.  What other things will I only see pictures of, and not get to see you experience in the flesh?  How many other things will I just hear stories about after it happened, but not get to be a part of it first-hand? 

     And yet, no matter how much that thought stinks and makes my heart ache, I have to take in consideration how many things I get to see that your Dad misses out on.  I get to see you wake up every morning, the smile almost instantly on your lips.  I get to be excited as you try some new food, whether it's dumplings or grapes or cottage cheese.  I get to hear new words.  See new moves.  Go to new places.  I don't say these things out of pride, but out of gratitude.
 
     I'm sorry that you live in a world where it's "this parent or that parent" that gets to see it.  Please know that when you were forming in my body, I never intended for you to only get an "either or" life.  I don't really have all of the answers on how I'm going to make sure that everything turns out just fine for you regardless of that, but I promise you, I'm going to.  I'm praying for my relationship with your Dad.  Things are getting better.  I want them to continue getting better too, especially for your sake. 

     Son, no matter how many things I miss out on, please, please know that I will be excited to hear about them.  To see the pictures.  To be a part of it in any tiny increment, even if I have to hold back some sadness. I will be excited because you are getting to experience these things. 

And please know, no matter what, I love you more than the stars in the sky.

Love,
Your Mom